Make the Friars’ Briar Great Again!!! The President Speaks
Friars’ Briar President Commissions Research Study
Scores from the past 10 years of tie breaker shootouts have revealed a disturbing trend, says David Martin, President of the Friars’ Briar. The mandatory tie breaker competition held at the beginning of the bonspiel, explained Martin, is used to determine seeding for the playoffs. After analysis of the data, Martin discovered that there has been a steady erosion in the average team scores over the years. Alarmed by this serious deterioration of skill level, Martin was determined to make the Friars’ Briar great again. “We simply can’t tolerate this kind of decline,” said Martin. “We have a long, proud tradition to uphold.”
Acting on his concern, Martin commissioned renowned German sports psychologist, Doctor Victor Von Drump, to study the problem. “We have a few extra dollars in the national bank account right now,” said Martin, “so I thought we would put it to good use.” The results of Von Drump’s research were startling. Von Drump reported that the comparative scores for shootouts in children’s curling leagues from British Columbia to Ontario were twice those of FB teams! “Can you imagine!” said a surprised Von Drump. “I have never seen any such thing so bad. Diese Kinder teams put ze Friars teams zu shame. Believe you me, this is bad! Trust me, das ist very, very bad!”
When asked how to correct this sad state of affairs, Von Drump focused on two primary problems. “Number eins, you must vith ze Mennonite factor deal. Diese Mennoniten haben vay, vay, too much Gelassenheit. How you say in English? – Not enough personal pride. They defer to other teams far zu much. To quote one of your Lutheran Friars, ‘Ven it comes to throwing ze game winning stone, ze Mennonites just don’t have zat “killer instinct.”’ In church, maybe okay, but here on ze curling rink it just brings everyone’s game down. A negative impact on everyone it has.”
“Number zwei,” continued Von Drump, “everyone knows zat ze shootout rarely affects their placement in the playoffs. Your Friars haben absolutely nicht motivation to perform vell.”
“How do we stimulate motivation?” inquired Martin. “Vhy beer of course!” replied Von Drump. “It works hundred per cent all ze time in Germany! Du musst add bier into ze equation. To stimulate motivation, I recommend zat each player visualize a large stein of beer on ze button. Vith zat visualization, I guarantee you me zat their scoring vill improve!”
Building on Von Drump’s research and expertise, Martin is determined that 2017 will be the year to Make the Friars’ Briar Great Again. For the 2017 tie breaker shootout, the President has made two decrees.
First, in the tie breaker skills competition, all Mennonite teams will throw last to help bolster their “killer instinct.” Martin hopes this will have a ripple effect among all Friars.
Secondly, all Friars are instructed to visualize a large beer stein on the button, or, in the case of some Friars, a large can of coke, when they throw their tie breaker rocks.
In addition, to strengthen motivation even further, the President has committed to buying a round of beer (or coke) for the team with the highest score in the tie breaker competition. Martin is convinced that this year we will see the highest scores ever in the tie breaker event and is confident that this year’s President’s Challenge is sure to make the Friars’ Briar great again!